Monday, March 24, 2008

Emptiness

I was pregnant. Now I'm not. I had a miscarriage. And it is one of the worst things I've ever experienced.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. Not happy, not sad - shocked. It took us almost a year when we were trying with Keeley. And, bang!, right within a month, I was pregnant again. After the shock wore off, I was happy. Donald was ecstatic right from the start. We started telling some people. Even before we went to the doctor. This was VERY unlike me and I figured that if anything happened, I would want these people to know.

We went to the first doctor's visit and everything seemed fine. We set up an ultrasound appointment for 10 days later and I was disappointed that I would have to wait 10 days. Well, I didn't have to wait 10 days because I started spotting two days later. I had an ultrasound the next day and there was no heartbeat but the doctor said that was normal since the baby was only measuring a little over 6 weeks. We kept my initial ultrasound appointment for the next Friday - a week later. What a rough week. Looking back, I know I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. But I would have these hopeful moments where I would scrape up every little bit of weird feelings I was having and attribute them to being pregnant. As the week went on I had fewer and fewer of those hopeful moments. At that next appointment, they confirmed that the pregnancy was over. The baby died at a little over 6 weeks.

I won't go into too much detail about taking the misoprostol. I will let you know it wasn't fun. It was a little painful and very emotional. If by some chance you do want to know more about it, there are stories here that I found helpful.

So far, Monday seems to have been the worst day yet. I felt like it was all over and was nothing else to do. I didn't have anything planned to distract me except for the doctor's appointment where they will tell me that my uterus is clear. Empty.

Usually there's so much going on to distract me. This is one of the worst things I've ever gone through. It's awful. And, like most awful situations, there's no instruction book around, no Miscarriage Handbook, to guide me through the process or even make me feel more normal.

I do know that we're healing and I assume, again like most awful situations, each day will be a little easier. I know I'll still have moments that are difficult (and probably always will), but as sad as those moments are, it's still hard to not see the joy in life when I have this to remind me:





I didn't know if I would ever publish this post when I wrote it. Even now, I'm not sure if I'm actually going to press the "publish post" button. I'm not a very open person about my feelings but, somehow, writing this made me feel a little better. And reading what other people wrote about miscarriage has helped me, too.

Thank you to everyone who has helped out this past week. I might not have said it, but know that I love you.

3 comments:

Lynn said...

I'm so sorry to hear that this happened to your family. I believe that it is the only thing that is worse than not being able to get pregnant. Believe me, you'll never forget either feeling, but that precious daughter of yours will certainly give you a lifetime of joy.

AB said...

I am so sorry to hear this. I am glad you got to go meet up with Bossy to get your mind in a happier place, even just for a short time.

I too miscarried at 6 weeks, the first time I got pregant. I had already told my family and co-workers so it was hard to have to go back and break the news. The next few months of waiting to get pregnant again were soooo hard! Time never went as slow as it did then. I am glad it was not your first pg though. At least you have a beautiful little girl. Still, after getting so excited about being pg it is such a huge disappointment and loss. Hope you are feeling better soon and recover quickly to start trying again soon.

jeanie said...

my heart purely aches for you and donald and keeley. I have been very sick for the last 3 weeks and i am still not completely well yet so i have not been on the internet but just briefly to check my emails. i had no idea of what you have been going through had no idea that you had lost a little precious angel. but i truly believe that your precious little angel is in heaven and that we have the promise that we will be reunited with our loved ones if we love GOD and we keep the ten commandments. isnt that the most awesome promise that we could have! I love you and i will continue to keep everyone of you in my prayers.