On a lighter note...

I've been feeling better lately. The days get easier. I know it won't ever be fully out of my mind and I really don't want it to be. I want to remember. And I want to thank everyone who has called, emailed, and visited with words of support. Your efforts did not go unnoticed and I appreciate you. Your concern made me realize that opening up is not such a bad thing.


Oh? Did I title this post "On a lighter note..."?

So I did. And that's because last night I met BOSSY! You know, of iambossy fame. Click on over there if you've never heard of her. She's hilarious.

P.S. What happened to my hair?
Bossy's looks fabulous - even though she complains about it.

We had a large time and I'm feeling fine this morning. Pre-party last night I made sure I was hydrated, caffeinated, and pre-medicated (Excedrin, people, nothing serious). Just in case. Not quite the girl I once was. We met at Fridays and moved it on over to Avitable's (Side note: Do not click on Avitable if you are easily offended. Of course, most you will now click on Avitable just because I said that.) house where Amy served us some fine wine. It was wonderful to meet other bloggers even if I don't necessarily consider myself a "blogger" yet.

Everyone was friendly and talkative and I even learned how to dye our pool red for possible future Halloween parties. Who knew? We drank and ate and drank some more. Hopefully, we might all get together again. Thanks, BOSSY, for such a snazzy, bloggy-love-fest idea.

It was also nice to be out of the house by myself. On the way home, I drove around for a bit with all the windows down just being Emily for a while. Not mommy or wife or any of the other roles I sometimes play. Roles I sometimes lose myself in, which is fine, but it was nice to find "me" in there somewhere.

Emptiness

I was pregnant. Now I'm not. I had a miscarriage. And it is one of the worst things I've ever experienced.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. Not happy, not sad - shocked. It took us almost a year when we were trying with Keeley. And, bang!, right within a month, I was pregnant again. After the shock wore off, I was happy. Donald was ecstatic right from the start. We started telling some people. Even before we went to the doctor. This was VERY unlike me and I figured that if anything happened, I would want these people to know.

We went to the first doctor's visit and everything seemed fine. We set up an ultrasound appointment for 10 days later and I was disappointed that I would have to wait 10 days. Well, I didn't have to wait 10 days because I started spotting two days later. I had an ultrasound the next day and there was no heartbeat but the doctor said that was normal since the baby was only measuring a little over 6 weeks. We kept my initial ultrasound appointment for the next Friday - a week later. What a rough week. Looking back, I know I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. But I would have these hopeful moments where I would scrape up every little bit of weird feelings I was having and attribute them to being pregnant. As the week went on I had fewer and fewer of those hopeful moments. At that next appointment, they confirmed that the pregnancy was over. The baby died at a little over 6 weeks.

I won't go into too much detail about taking the misoprostol. I will let you know it wasn't fun. It was a little painful and very emotional. If by some chance you do want to know more about it, there are stories here that I found helpful.

So far, Monday seems to have been the worst day yet. I felt like it was all over and was nothing else to do. I didn't have anything planned to distract me except for the doctor's appointment where they will tell me that my uterus is clear. Empty.

Usually there's so much going on to distract me. This is one of the worst things I've ever gone through. It's awful. And, like most awful situations, there's no instruction book around, no Miscarriage Handbook, to guide me through the process or even make me feel more normal.

I do know that we're healing and I assume, again like most awful situations, each day will be a little easier. I know I'll still have moments that are difficult (and probably always will), but as sad as those moments are, it's still hard to not see the joy in life when I have this to remind me:

I didn't know if I would ever publish this post when I wrote it. Even now, I'm not sure if I'm actually going to press the "publish post" button. I'm not a very open person about my feelings but, somehow, writing this made me feel a little better. And reading what other people wrote about miscarriage has helped me, too.

Thank you to everyone who has helped out this past week. I might not have said it, but know that I love you.

Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!

Well, Keeley has an ear infection in BOTH ears. Of course, it all started with a cold. (A cold that I now have as well, which is not surprising since when Keeley has a cold I spend most of the day as a human tissue.)

On Friday Keeley developed the sniffles. On Saturday she kinda didn't feel good. By Sunday afternoon she wouldn't do anything but lay in our arms and try to sleep. Her temperature went up to 104. Of course, of course it was a Sunday. If her temp went up to even 104.2, I would have called the doctor's office. I have read that if it gets to 105 they have to go to the ER. Luckily, the Tylenol brought it back down a bit.

It is just so sad to see your normally spunky, energetic, full-of-life baby reduced to crying and writhing in your arms because she just can't get comfortable.

Keeley B: Month 12

Dear Keeley,

Well, yesterday you turned 13 months old. Now I know why your age is still calculated in months: so much happens in a month that a 12 month old is drastically different from an 18 month old even though they are both technically 1 year old. You amaze me every day with something new you can do. Last week you learned how to open the door to your room. (Did I mention how many of these new things you can do also cause me more trouble?) And you practically run everywhere you go. Walking is simply not fast enough for you. You are just so excited about everything. Well, maybe not riding in your car seat. You could do without that.

You keep learning new words, too. You know "hi" and "bye-bye." You can say "mama" and "mommy." You say "dada" and "daddy", sometimes. You can say "mimi", "mammy" (for grammy), and "papa." You say "buh" and "buh-ee" for Buddy. You say "mo" for more and "mo" for milk. (That one gets confusing.) You say "bah" for ball. You know that a kitty says "meow", a doggie says "ruff", a duckie says "quack quack", and a snake says "hiss hiss." (Although the way you say it, the snake has a slight lisp. But it is hands down everyone's favorite sound you do.)

So far, we haven't had any major meltdowns in the aisles of any stores yet. But I can see those times looming in the not-so-distant future. The other day you were standing up in your princess throne even though you know you're not allowed to stand in chairs. I told you to sit down and you looked at me with these impish eyes and said, "Nah." Now I'm not sure if you were actually meaning no, but it sure seemed like it. And, right now? That's really funny to me. It was all I could do to keep from smiling and laughing while I continued to tell you to sit down. You just had the best little twinkle in your eye and you were looking right at me saying, "Nah." I know this will most definitely NOT be cute in the future, so I am enjoying it while I can. I eventually had to just take the throne away for a while, but you weren't too upset. You just went on to playing with something else.

And it's not just me who enjoys you so much. You bring so much joy to so many people's lives. Everyone who knows you is always so excited to see you. I find it hard to balance your time with all the people who want to be with you. And that is a wonderful thing. Your sense of adventure and excitement for life seems to just take over whenever you're around. It's like we forget all those boring, annoying adult problems when we have you around. With you, it's so much easier to focus on how exciting things are and just how lucky we are to be here today.

I love you so much and I want to tell you I'm sorry for all the things I can't be. I'm sorry for the times I don't read you that book you bring to me with that excited look in your eyes. I'm sorry for the times I don't give you the extra few minutes you want to check out an interesting stick or that cool leaf on the ground. I'm sorry for the times I forget to give you a banana cookie after dinner because I'm so concerned with cleaning you up. I'm just sorry that I can be that perfect mother I so long to be. My love for you makes me want to be everything and do everything you need. I know that's not possible, but it doesn't make me want it any less. Just know that I try.

I am so happy you are in my life. Thank you for everything you bring into it. I feel like I feel everything more since I've had you. More happiness, more excitement, more love. More guilt, of course, but you've gotta take the good with the bad. And the good always, always outweighs the bad. Always.

Love you,

Mommy