Months 13 and 14

Dear Keeley,

Okay, yes, I didn't publish a post about month 13, but I am just going to combine last month and this month and strive to be better about it in the future. Sorry, Keeley.

So much has happened the past two months. It's like watching someone grow up in fast forward sometimes. You are a little sponge. In the past two weeks you've started talking up a storm. You like to repeat what we say when it's something you like. (Example: yogurt/"go-gur") It's true that many of the words sound the same and sometimes I have no clue what you're saying. But you're communicating. Verbally. It's amazing.

You still get so excited whenever you see the dog or the cat. We'll be playing outside and you'll see Buddy's Frisbee and yell, "Buh-ee! Buee!" I love it. You meow when we see Kitty. Of course, Kitty doesn't appreciate it as much as you or I do, but whatever. Kitty has issues. You'll learn this.

As far as eating goes, you're a bit more challenging. I never know what you're going to eat. Sometimes you LOVE macaroni and cheese, sometimes not so much. Sometimes you won't go near a blueberry, sometimes you'll eat most of the carton. I can't figure it out. Sometimes you hardly eat anything at all. I guess that's normal. I just keep putting food in front of you and secretly cross my fingers. All I know is you love yogurt. There is no doubt. Some days you will ask for it at every meal.

Whenever you don't know something, you put your hands in the air in that universal symbol for "I don't know." It's so cute. You want to do more and more things on your own. Of course, you don't want me out of sight while you do it though. Ever. Especially in the evenings. Especially while I'm trying to cook dinner. I must admit it will be kinda nice when this stage is over. Silver lining though? It's nice that you want to be near me. I love you too, Keeley.

These past two months haven't been the easiest months. There have been some really hard times. But having you here has helped me more than anything else. Your face, your smile, your laugh, and just your all-around Keeleyness have been just what I needed most. Thank you.

Love you,

Mommy

See? Others appreciate my sarcastic remarks.

I am so excited! One of my comments was featured in the Young and the Restless blog I read. It's such a great blog because not only do they appreciate my witty comments, but the writers also make fun of the show in a loving/supportive way. Just like my best friend and I do.

And, yes, I am aware that watching a soap opera is not the coolest thing I've ever done. And, yes, this is definitely on the list of things that make me "not very adult-like". And, yes, I am excited about being mentioned on a blog that talks about a soap opera.

Whatever. I am so cool. You know you wish you were me!

Oh yeah - I'll get back to some Keeley posts soon. I promise.

Reason #2,538 why I am not an adult

I just used Sun-In on my hair. Sun-In. A bottle of Sun-In I bought at Big Lots for $3.50. Seriously.

This really sums up my maintenance-style. Quick. Easy. Cheap. (No comments on that one, please.)

But it looks just fine. One of the benefits of having naturally blonde hair - you really can't mess it up too badly with Sun-In. Once, in college, my friend Crystal used Sun-In on her lovely dark brown hair and it turned red-ish. (I use the "ish" there because it really wasn't red but it really wasn't any other recognizable color either. The closest color to it was red. Hence the "ish".) It didn't look that bad, but it wasn't exactly like the picture on the box which was what she was going for. Although it never is, is it?

Sparseness of blog posts

I won't be able to post too much this week because Keeley and I are at my parents' house for Spring Break. And since I did not bring our laptop and I am right now, at this very moment, silently cursing my mom's laptop, I don't think I will be able to post much because of the sheer slowness of it all. And I have no patience for slowness. I need instant gratification. Instantly. Like right now.

Obviously, this sucks because I have been linked to from other, more cooler sites and now anyone who looks at this blog will be all, "This blog stinks." And I would have to be all, "Yes, I agree." Not that I have ever held any lofty goals for this blog. But, hey, a girl can dream. Right? I mean, I used the word "lofty". That means something.

So, if you're new and like anything you see, try to be a little patient (hey, I'm asking you to be patient, not me) with me and keep checking if you can. Maybe I'll do something entertaining and funny. Who knows.

On a lighter note...

I've been feeling better lately. The days get easier. I know it won't ever be fully out of my mind and I really don't want it to be. I want to remember. And I want to thank everyone who has called, emailed, and visited with words of support. Your efforts did not go unnoticed and I appreciate you. Your concern made me realize that opening up is not such a bad thing.


Oh? Did I title this post "On a lighter note..."?

So I did. And that's because last night I met BOSSY! You know, of iambossy fame. Click on over there if you've never heard of her. She's hilarious.

P.S. What happened to my hair?
Bossy's looks fabulous - even though she complains about it.

We had a large time and I'm feeling fine this morning. Pre-party last night I made sure I was hydrated, caffeinated, and pre-medicated (Excedrin, people, nothing serious). Just in case. Not quite the girl I once was. We met at Fridays and moved it on over to Avitable's (Side note: Do not click on Avitable if you are easily offended. Of course, most you will now click on Avitable just because I said that.) house where Amy served us some fine wine. It was wonderful to meet other bloggers even if I don't necessarily consider myself a "blogger" yet.

Everyone was friendly and talkative and I even learned how to dye our pool red for possible future Halloween parties. Who knew? We drank and ate and drank some more. Hopefully, we might all get together again. Thanks, BOSSY, for such a snazzy, bloggy-love-fest idea.

It was also nice to be out of the house by myself. On the way home, I drove around for a bit with all the windows down just being Emily for a while. Not mommy or wife or any of the other roles I sometimes play. Roles I sometimes lose myself in, which is fine, but it was nice to find "me" in there somewhere.

Emptiness

I was pregnant. Now I'm not. I had a miscarriage. And it is one of the worst things I've ever experienced.

When I found out I was pregnant, I was shocked. Not happy, not sad - shocked. It took us almost a year when we were trying with Keeley. And, bang!, right within a month, I was pregnant again. After the shock wore off, I was happy. Donald was ecstatic right from the start. We started telling some people. Even before we went to the doctor. This was VERY unlike me and I figured that if anything happened, I would want these people to know.

We went to the first doctor's visit and everything seemed fine. We set up an ultrasound appointment for 10 days later and I was disappointed that I would have to wait 10 days. Well, I didn't have to wait 10 days because I started spotting two days later. I had an ultrasound the next day and there was no heartbeat but the doctor said that was normal since the baby was only measuring a little over 6 weeks. We kept my initial ultrasound appointment for the next Friday - a week later. What a rough week. Looking back, I know I knew something was wrong. I could feel it. But I would have these hopeful moments where I would scrape up every little bit of weird feelings I was having and attribute them to being pregnant. As the week went on I had fewer and fewer of those hopeful moments. At that next appointment, they confirmed that the pregnancy was over. The baby died at a little over 6 weeks.

I won't go into too much detail about taking the misoprostol. I will let you know it wasn't fun. It was a little painful and very emotional. If by some chance you do want to know more about it, there are stories here that I found helpful.

So far, Monday seems to have been the worst day yet. I felt like it was all over and was nothing else to do. I didn't have anything planned to distract me except for the doctor's appointment where they will tell me that my uterus is clear. Empty.

Usually there's so much going on to distract me. This is one of the worst things I've ever gone through. It's awful. And, like most awful situations, there's no instruction book around, no Miscarriage Handbook, to guide me through the process or even make me feel more normal.

I do know that we're healing and I assume, again like most awful situations, each day will be a little easier. I know I'll still have moments that are difficult (and probably always will), but as sad as those moments are, it's still hard to not see the joy in life when I have this to remind me:

I didn't know if I would ever publish this post when I wrote it. Even now, I'm not sure if I'm actually going to press the "publish post" button. I'm not a very open person about my feelings but, somehow, writing this made me feel a little better. And reading what other people wrote about miscarriage has helped me, too.

Thank you to everyone who has helped out this past week. I might not have said it, but know that I love you.

Oh, the pain! Oh, the pain!

Well, Keeley has an ear infection in BOTH ears. Of course, it all started with a cold. (A cold that I now have as well, which is not surprising since when Keeley has a cold I spend most of the day as a human tissue.)

On Friday Keeley developed the sniffles. On Saturday she kinda didn't feel good. By Sunday afternoon she wouldn't do anything but lay in our arms and try to sleep. Her temperature went up to 104. Of course, of course it was a Sunday. If her temp went up to even 104.2, I would have called the doctor's office. I have read that if it gets to 105 they have to go to the ER. Luckily, the Tylenol brought it back down a bit.

It is just so sad to see your normally spunky, energetic, full-of-life baby reduced to crying and writhing in your arms because she just can't get comfortable.